Do you have faith? I don’t mean A Faith, like religion, but rather faith that everything will be OK? That things will somehow work out in the end? Do you assume life has to get better, or are you a ‘this is as good as it gets’ type of person? Ever wonder if the life script you are following is really a lost work of Voltaire?
I have been thinking about faith lately. Faith in the unknown. Faith in the future. Faith in my marriage. Faith in people. Faith in myself?
I have never had faith in anything. I do not know if that is my own shortcoming or a personality quirk. I sometimes wonder if I was born jaded. People have suggested as much. Or maybe my lack of faith is due to seeing that things do NOT always work out. I have known these people first hand. A few casual friends, a few relatives. People who’s lives were one blow after another, never catching a break until they finally died alone and miserable. As a child I would see these people and how truly retched their lives were and it was a bit terrifying.
I was not raised in a have faith household. No one tried to shield the children from the harsh realities of divorce, death, suicide, infidelity, abuse or being broke. No one said not to worry and that it would all be OK. No ever suggested to me that all I could do was try and the world would take care of the rest. Our life philosophy was Sink or Swim. Nothing more, nothing less.
And in a world where the new generation has way too many expectations due to being raised in the Self-Esteem Era, I am almost grateful for my dismal anticipation. Low standards lead to fewer disappointments.
I can not be anything I want to be. I do not have faith in the world and my part in it. And that is OK.
Now, what I do have is hope. Or at least a deluded dream state that I have come to view as hope.
I think it must be nice to have faith in something. I suppose I could mean a Higher Power, but that does not feel right. Maybe I just wish I could believe in myself. Trust myself enough to go with my gut, so to speak.
Now everyone is wondering what on Earth this crazy woman is rambling on about.
I feel as though I am on the verge of something. Something grand, or at least it’s grand to me. However, I have no idea what this grand something may be. I am clueless as to what it concerns. Will I go back to TTC? Change careers?(or get a career at all?) Start a small business? Join a gym? Make a friend? Oddly enough all these possibilities appear to be the same scale in my eyes.
All I know is I suddenly feel motivated and unmotivated. I have this ambition to set something in motion, but I don’t know what it is yet and I am waiting for inspiration. I am looking for it every day. Every where. There are signs everywhere, but none are the right one. Each time something presents itself to me I play with it for few days, few weeks, to see if this is the one. So far I have come up empty handed. I am also neglecting the minor, more pressing chores like dishes and the kitchen floor simply because they are not nearly as exciting. Or scary.
Part of me has considered that perhaps I am creating this situation in an effort to ignore the inner turmoil I’ve had in regards to Motherhood. A diversion. To which another part says who cares? I need the distraction. Trying on lives and waxing philosophical is far better than moping and being depressed. Although I probably do spend too much time in my head. A vacation from my mind might be nice.
Life in transition is a funny thing. I think that faith stuff would come in handy right now.